Is a Pre-emptive Attack on Mars in Our Plans?

by Tanner Z. Landsight
10/26/2005

It's the perfect time to dig out your telescopes or binoculars to get a good look at an amazing heavenly body that is quite close to us. I'm not talking about your neighbor sunbathing across the street - I'm talking about the planet Mars. 
 
Our scientists say that they will be able to obtain important information from our solar neighbor that could benefit our lives. I'm all for that, but we must be careful. There is always the chance that the fourth rock from "our" sun may be occupied by hostile, anti-earth space vermin who want only conflict with us. Anything is possible... 
 
This week, Mars - deliciously named after a candy bar - is a mere 36.4 million miles away from Earth (also known as "home" to some of us.) That's only two kilometers in ant distance... the closest the two planets have been in 60,000 years. It's the ideal time for any disgruntled Martians - regular viewers of our alien movies - to hop over here and wreak havoc. 
 
More importantly, however, it's also the perfect time for a pre-emptive attack. 
 
Why, you ask? 
 
I have convincing evidence that the Martians are brokering a deal with shady characters in South Africa, North Korea and East L.A. to obtain weapons of mass destruction. The CIA is checking it out even as you read this. 
 
Earth - the watery blue planet that spawned dinosaurs, mammals and Jennifer Lopez - may be in danger of a horrific surprise attack. Even with all the efforts we have made to combat terrorism, I wonder if we would be prepared for such an invasion? 
 
I know, you don't believe in Martians because you have read the latest scientific report that says Mars never had oceans. We all read that instruments on the Mars Global Surveyor cannot find evidence of carbonate on the surface of Mars - making it unlikely that the planet ever had large standing bodies of water. 
 
Carbonate is the baking soda left in refrigerators for millions of years that takes on a life of its own. It has a tendency to stay around to guard the house when oceans go on vacation. According to the latest scientific guesses, carbonate on Mars is as abundant as WMDs in Iraq. This makes me think that the Martians are hiding something, perhaps on the other side of the planet, on their two tiny moons, under the cold surface... or in J. Lo's closet. 
 
Certain astrologers have already turned sensational (out of character, I must say!) and are blaming recent disasters here on earth on the proximity of Mars. This rare solar sibling huddle between our two planets is credited with causing the bombings in India and Iraq, the East Coast blackout, the California recall process and even J. Lo's relationship problems. (The heat in Europe is blamed on America, of course!) 
 
I'm a natural skeptic, but the evidence is mounting. I suppose that it is even possible that Saddam Hussein is scheming with the generals from our red neighbor (not Canada) to get back at us for his ousting. 
 
As I am known to do on occasion, I decided to try some actual research for this article. I went out into my driveway with my binoculars and checked out my neighbors. Not really, I looked at Mars - or maybe a radio tower a few miles away. It appeared to be a large ball of fire that danced around like a UFO driven by Diana Ross after a New Year's gala. When I focused the lenses, it settled down a bit, but wasn't as much fun to watch. 
 
I never saw any alien activity. More importantly, I never saw the famous rover from a few years back. The Martians probably have it stashed in a secret military complex for analysis. They are good at keeping their things hidden. I would have been more diligent in my study, but mosquitoes kept biting my ankles. 
 
I've read that the Hubble telescope is taking a lot of photographs. Our scientists say that the images gotten by Hubble this week will be used in our school textbooks for the next decade. I'm sure that the Martians consider this spying, but I'm not sure if they have the capability to do anything about it. 
 
What if the Hubble, unhindered by the fuzz of Earth's atmosphere that I got with my binoculars, finds evidence of WMDs? What if we find that the carbonate has been moved to neighboring Jupiter? And most important, what if J. Lo is a Martian? 
 
Some of you may be wondering why we cannot be friendly to the Martians... others are wondering what topping to have on their pizza tonight. For the second group, you can never go wrong with peppers and onions. For those with questions of why we can't just get along, the answer is simple. 
 
The Martians come from a red planet. We come from a blue planet. Red and blue make purple. 
 
It's that simple.