You Are What You Eat

by Tanner Z. Landsight
10/26/2005

A wise man once said, "When jumping on the band wagon, be careful not to trip over all the tubas..." Well, maybe he wasn't all that wise, but I'm reminded of some tort attorneys filing civil claims against some of the larger companies in our economy. I must ask... are lawsuits really civil? Am I the only one who thinks that tort is a funny word?
 
Well, it was bound to happen after the courts of this country decided that the best way to send a message about the evils of tobacco was to force tobacco companies to pay out more money than in a monopoly game, effectively having no impact on tobacco use - but giving members of the state legislatures a reason to add to their shopping list.
 
Anyway, it was inevitable that providers of other products would follow. I've read that lawsuits are being filed against certain fast food establishments because some people actually believe that their addiction to this high calorie food has turned them into obese and unhealthy globules of tort. Just kidding. The mindset of our culture seems to be... if you can't blame aliens or yourself, sue the pants off your neighbor. It's Biblical, I think, and besides - they're probably insured. 
 
Well, I'm going to share a phrase that we were taught in grade school many years ago. It's old, but it's still effective.
 
You are what you eat.
 
Yep, I remember hearing that in health class and deciding then and there not to eat chicken. That vow might have lasted a day, only because we had pizza instead of grossly overfed and under-exercised dinosaur progeny. We ran around calling each other pizzahead and cheese doodle for a couple of weeks because that is what we ate.
 
At least no one could call us cabbage or brussel sprout or arugula. For those who may not know much about arugula, the dictionary says that it is a type of colewort. Colewort means "tastes like dishwater no matter how you eat it."
 
I had an interesting thought. Lately there seems to be a rash of funny baby names so the chances are high that there is a kid out there sporting the name of Arugula. 
 
I can see a movie hero... Arugula Jones, Esquire. He's a regular Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. By day he is the Amazing Tort Man who attacks wealthy corporations because he cares for his clients and not the 33-percent collection fee. By night he tends his colewort in a damp and lonely greenhouse.
 
I've eaten a lot of funny things in my life. Nettles, burdock root, milkweed and day lily fritters and cattail shoots. The list is much longer. I've said that I'd eat the inner bark off porcupine quills if there were some. If I am what I eat, I suppose that you can call me anything you want, I'll answer.
 
I have never paid much attention to the food pyramid. My idea of a balanced diet was to eat with both hands - a feat at which, I'm proud to say, I've become quite adept.
 
I am not a little guy. I have an extra forty pounds of pizza and chips that I could shed before even coming close to my optimum weight - as decided by a group of skinny doctors lobbied heavily by publishers of diet books.
 
However, I can't capitalize on the fast food lawsuits because I really don't eat that much of it. (I do eat a lot of food fast, though.) The good news is that I do have a food addiction that I might be able to work into some benefit.
 
In my food pyramid, chocolate and peanut butter are on the base... which everyone knows means that I can eat as much as I want.
 
That is why I've decided to sue Reese's - and the Hershey Food Corporation - who figured out a way to package a little bit of heaven in a waxy plastic wrapper. I've eaten so many of their products that I wouldn't be all that surprised if doctors find my veins filled with peanut butter and milk chocolate.
 
The important part of my lawsuit is that I am not seeking monetary reimbursement for the physical and emotional damage that may have resulted from the consumption of their products. (Am I the only one who cries when the last cup is gone from the bag?)
 
My plan, instead, is to seek a lifetime supply of their candy.
 
Such an arrangement would be good for the company and good for me. It would be a great publicity gimmick for them. Heck, based on the sugar content and calories alone, I wouldn't live forever. How much would they be out? Do I need to explain why it would be good for me? I have a waxy paper collection.
 
Because I care about you I will share a secret. The best way to eat peanut butter cups is when they are frozen. Not only do they taste better, if you eat them fast enough you can finish an entire bag without getting melted chocolate on your hands.
 
I know. I know. There are worse problems than having melted chocolate on your hands. You could have melted torts on your coleworts...
 
Or your mother could make you eat arugula.