SORRY VIRGINIA

by Dennis Lantz
10/3/2005

SORRY VIRGINIA
 
Here's a story to ponder if you use an atlatl 
When you've had too much eggnog or beer... 
How one small misdeed can have dire effects 
That could cancel out Christmas next year. 
Yes, the one little blunder I made in December 
Will bring so much grief that it's hard to remember 
What it was like when my eyes didn't tear.
 
I was snoozing contented after a day of imbibing 
And my house was as still as a tomb... 
I was curled on the couch with my cat and my cup 
When the noise came from my living room. 
There was thumping and bumping and moaning and cursing -- 
It sounded more like a bad actor rehearsing 
Than a thief stealing gifts in the gloom.
 
I really don't know why I grabbed my atlatl 
And a dart, not my shotgun or bat... 
My heart beat my ribs like a hammer or drum-- 
Had he come to kill me and my cat? 
I crept toward the room where the bad guy was lurking, 
My head hurt so bad that my eyes weren't working 
And the beer in my stomach was flat. 
 
Through my haze I could see him and he surely looked evil 
As he stuffed all my toys in his sack... 
I grunted a warning, a throat clearing rumble, 
'Cuz I won't shoot a man in the back. 
He spun around quickly and emitted a cry-- 
A sound I'll remember 'til the day that I die-- 
I was sure that he meant to attack!
 
My arm then flew forward, it was all quite instinctive 
And the dart hit him hard as a slug... 
He yelped with surprise in the darkness-- 
As he slumped he said, "Ho Ho Ho, Ugh." 
I cried out in anguish that welled up in my heart 
'Cuz I'd taken out Santa with one careless dart 
And he now lay quite dead on my rug!
 
As to what I did next, I must beg your forgiveness 
'Cuz I know it was surely a crime... 
I buried that geezer rather deep in my basement 
And hunted caribou for a time. 
Dropping eight flying reindeer is no easy feat 
And it took three large freezers to hold all the meat 
And six hours to clean up the grime!
 
The points of my story, if they aren't quite clear-- 
Don't throw at strangers just out of fear, 
There is no Santa no matter what you hear...
 
But there's a feast at my house to bring in the New Year-- 
I'll provide all the steaks - you bring the eggnog and beer!